Story of Scarcity
There’s a story I tell myself called “Not Enough.” There’s not enough time to accomplish all I need and desire. There’s not enough creativity- I have a limited reserve inside me and it will dry up if I don’t use it NOW or it will be gone when I finish my first novel. (I hope you noticed how this last one creates a clusterfuck of will within me.) There’s not enough to go around, Glennon Doyle and Anne Lamott have taken up all of the space in the world available to women in recovery that want to share their stories- there’s not enough for me. I am not enough.
In AA I’ve learned that my resentments are founded in fear. I'll be honest-some days I do resent the success I see other women having. After clearing the dirty dishes of my pity party for one I am able to see that the women I see rising to the top are reflecting back to me my dreams and desires. I know they didn’t come by it easily, that behind every shiny success story is sometimes years of doing the daily grind, working in the dark, alone-without validation and praise.
The fear to this story is scarcity. On the surface of the story it’s really not that big a deal. But what does scarcity of breath to the body feel like? It feels like terror, even death. The body can go to one of two extremes, gasp for air, trying get it all in at once. I know this-I will do it all! And I will do it NOW! I’ll show them!! A perfect recipe for burnout, then more resentment. OR the body will slow down to almost stagnation, preserving what little breath and resources it “thinks” are available. This looks like not Creating in my life. I can’t fail at their stupid game if I don’t play. Another version of I’ll show them, this time by taking myself out of the equation altogether, by taking myself out of life.
Why not me? Like many profundities of life, the answer is in the question. The answer lies in my perception. The words why not me can come from a space of scarcity, or from a place of expansion. They can speak to not enough or they can be a bold declaration of intrinsic belonging and power- WHY NOT ME. Of course me, of course you. It's always been for you. It's all for you.
I may not be the next Glennon Doyle or Anne Lamott and that’s OK- these two pioneers of the spirit have lit the way to show me what life can look like if I stop believing the story of scarcity. I am the next Kim Smith, the only me and that is enough- because there is enough-time, creativity and space for all of us to be seen, heard and valued for what we offer.
The solutions we seek are hiding in our perceptions and what we choose to believe. Choose you.